I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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