I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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