"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
