every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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