I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
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