Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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