did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
