I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
