If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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