when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
