If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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