Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
