How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
