My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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