Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
