My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
