it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Randomize
