My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
