i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
