She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
please come you make the beer taste better
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
