i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
