My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just gargled with NyQuil
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
