I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
