I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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