My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
