I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
