can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
