I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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