At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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