my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
