You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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