So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
