last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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