OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
