Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
