Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
