The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
