$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
