Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Drunk is not a location!
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
