Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
