apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
