Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
