If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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