I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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