the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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