He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
