that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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