You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
