When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
lets start a swedish sibling band together
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i came on her dog
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
