my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
